1 And the Lord spake unto Noah, saying, Where is the ark which I have commanded thee to build?
2 And Noah answered and said unto the Lord, Behold, I have had three carpenters off with Covid-like symptoms. The gopher wood supplier hath let me down; yea, even though the gopher wood hath been on order for nigh upon twelve months. The dampcourse specialist hath not turned up. What can I do, O Lord?
3 And the Lord said unto Noah, Thou shalt finish the ark even after seven days and seven nights.
4 And Noah said, It shall be so. And it was not so.
5 And the Lord spake again unto Noah, saying, What seemeth to be the trouble this time?
6 And Noah answered and said, Lord, my subcontractor hath gone bankrupt. The pitch which thou commandedst me to put on the outside and the inside is stuck in customs – it’s a Brexit thing. The plumber hath gone on strike.
7 And Noah rent his garments, and said, The glazier hath departed on holiday in Malaga, yea, even though I offered him double time. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed an indie band with his brothers Ham and Japheth. Lord, I am undone.
8. And Noah said unto the Lord, The gopher wood is definitely in the warehouse. Yea, and the gopher wood supplier waiteth only upon his servant to find the invoices before he delivereth the gopher wood unto me, but his system is down.
9 And the anger of the Lord was kindled, and he said, What about the animals? Of fowls after their kind, and of every creeping thing of the earth after his kind, two of every sort have I ordered to come unto thee. Where, for example, are the giraffes?
10 And Noah said, Lord, they are expected today.
11 And the Lord said, And where are the monkeys and the bears and the hippopotami, two of each kind?
12 And Noah said, The van cometh on Friday; yea, it shall be so. They foretold it in a text.
13 And the Lord said, How about the unicorns?
14 And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying, Lord, Lord, they are a discontinued line. Thou canst not get unicorns for love or money.
15 And the Lord said, Where are the elephants and the zebras and the hartebeests, two of each kind? And Noah answered, Nay, they have been delivered to the wrong address and they have gone back to the depot.
16 Noah kissed the earth, and said, Lord, Lord, thou knowest in thy wisdom what it is like with delivery dates.
17 And the Lord in his wisdom said, Noah, my son, I know. Wherefore dost thou think that I have caused a flood to descend upon the earth?
(Reprinted from the parish magazine of All Saints’ Church, Worlingham, alt.)